Obituaries with limited word count don’t tell much of a story, but here they are, including at Dignity Memorial, Times Colonist, Maple Ridge News, and Mission City Record, to reflect where Mum lived and had relations. It was sad news to wake up to at the start of summer vacation, and instead of heading out on skärgårdsleden and sörmlandsleden as planned, we packed some carry-ons for a hasty unplanned trip to Canada (late motherland, as it were). I am really grateful we both had holiday time to leave immediately without needing to check-in or arrange anything, and also since everyone else was on vacation there were no phone calls or emails (didn’t really feel like talking). I am also really grateful I got to go and spend several weeks in my Mum’s apartment; nominally to help organize her things for distribution and do the executor paperwork, but really to just be there surrounded by her things in the company of family.
A canoe paddle on Finlayson Arm, sksk the great canoe adventure of 2020. Very glad we got a chance to do this. 
Mum playfully trying on some things at Ancient Futures textile design studio in Duncan. 
Raynn-Beau grew squashes and Mum was a happy recipient 
Billy Butterscotch, the opportunistic neighbourhood cat who frequently came by for pets (and treats) 
A visit to Abkhazi garden tea house 
Mwah! 
Mum keeping track of all the relations in the modern way 
One more neighbour cat, encountered on a walk
In the hours between buying flight tickets and getting on the plane, I downloaded the audiobook version of Thich Nhat Hanh’s ‘How to live when a loved one dies‘. I came to mindfulness meditation as a scientist convinced by the evidence base for physical and mental health benefits. I find Thich Nhat Hahn’s “applied Buddhism” approach to be accessible and modern, so he has become a favourite teacher and author for me. I had never noticed this title before, but somehow it jumped out when I was browsing e-books in the library app. I’ve now listened through to this book 3 times, and while not all the advice is things I will do, I found much of it helpful and the perspective on grief especially so. There is a balancing act in attending to feelings of grief, and accepting the reality of what has happened (even if equanimity is still a long way off).
Some of the parts I liked the best were how to be intentional about remembrance. Although I did not grow up with the Confucian or Buddhist flavours of filial piety, respect for elders and ancestors is very much a part of my cultural make-up, so the notions of embodying ones ancestors in the form of memory really spoke to me. Especially since I am agnostic at best about notions of an afterlife, the capacity to take actions in the here and now that are meaningful expressions of loss and remembrance feel a lot more accessible.
I do feel that the memorial was a fitting tribute. We had an afternoon tea at the UVic University Club, and it was a really lovely location and the food and staff were quite nice. There was no formal program. This is partly because I did not want to plan all of that and give a eulogy, but also because everyone listening silently did not really feel like a Mum-party. The event as we hosted it was more of an open-house where folks could grab some food, chat and hug and cry and laugh, and also step out for some air by the pond, in the forest, or attend a safety meeting in the parking lot. Bridget assembled a very nice slideshow with collected photos from all the eras, and we also brought some physical albums and mementos for folks to page through.
Since returning to Sweden after a month in BC, I have been thinking about what kinds of activities and events are meaningful for mindful remembrance. Here are the ones that have resonated the most, since they are things Mum did, and we sometimes did together:
- Tea party – this is something I may do for Mum’s birthday in October.
- Sewing & mending day /Knitting / Craft party – food and stitching and bitching, as god herself intended
- Walking in the forest and by the sea – frequently available for me, thankfully
- Gardening, growing herbs – a nice slow activity for thinking about cycles of life and values around mother earth and food systems
- Petting neighbourhood cats – This is the empty square at the centre of the bingo card because I am always doing this anyway
- Yearly anniversaries and holidays (birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s day, Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas) – these are going to feel really sad for a long time, so I guess I just lean into that
- Food & eating – this could be 6 whole blog posts, and it might well be.